Revisiting my old self

The other night I thought to myself, after hearing numerous times about all the stuff I used to do, that I would give old Shannii a rerun.

The Shannii who didn’t speak up and just people pleased because it was just easier.

Except this time it wasn’t.

And I realized how often I used to actually hurt myself by doing that.

Even with tears falling I continued, thinking no this is how I used to be and this is what they miss so I’ll just keep persevering.

But it wasn’t the same.

And that made me glad. And also sad.

Sad for all the times I went ahead with whatever was being asked because my feelings didn’t matter.

Sad for all the times I made my inner little girl feel like she didn’t matter.

Sad that even after voicing what I’ve wanted that it still went unheard and I decided fine that’s the way it’s going to be.

And sad that even after all the work I’ve done, and knowing better, I thought I could just skip back to old Shannii like I haven’t done anything and it wouldn’t affect me.

I have no idea how the old me made it as far as she has because that stuff isn’t fun.

Ignoring my own needs because other people aren’t listening instead of speaking up is not me anymore.

Sometimes it’s tiring saying the same thing over and over and never truly being heard though.

And I thought it would be easier to just go back to being unheard but apparently once you’ve experienced the other side it’s not that easy. Go figure.

That’s the beauty of duality though right? We don’t know how good we have it or could have it until we experience the opposite.

And it has me wondering just how many people are out there doing the same thing and feeling the same way believing it’s easier because they haven’t experienced the other side yet?

Xo S