Marriage, upgrades and growth

My marriage has recently been going through another upgrade and it hasn’t been fun. Or easy. But then it never is, is it?

Both my hubby and I have had tremendous growth over the last couple of years and we finally reached a stalemate again.

Neither of us had been willing to budge.

If you are afraid of moving forward or changing because your partner might not like it or may not come along with you then it’s time to decide what’s more important.

Is you feeling fulfilled and on purpose and growing ok to be given up just to stay with your partner?

Have you ever considered maybe your growth will inspire your partner?

My marriage has been like a see-saw, or rather like the image of kundalini that moves apart and comes back together. We have both grown at different rates. But we always have open conversations about where we are at and what we are feeling.

We have had conversations where we have seriously considered divorce because our needs weren’t being met.

If you are wanting to start down this path of growth it’s time to get clear with your boundaries and what you are willing to accept for yourself.

I’ve struggled because most information I find is about finding yourself and experiencing growth before finding a partner. Growth alongside your partner is so different to growth alone.

For me – it’s a huge no and I’m out if my husband were to say he doesn’t like where I’m going or he doesn’t want to grow with me.

Of course there is always room for each of us to catch up or wait for the other, as long as we are both continuing our journey alongside each other.

I am prepared to leave the relationship for my own health and purpose if this is not on the agenda.

I am not willing to give up my hopes, desires and dreams to keep anyone happy.

Yes it’s a scary thought to think of starting again but it’s scarier to think of staying in a relationship where my needs aren’t being met.

Im worth more than that.

And so are you.

So decide what you are worth. (I’ll give you a hint – you are worth everything and more)

You don’t teach others to love you by loving them, you teach them by loving yourself.

Relationships can be ended at any given moment so think about how you would feel if that moment came and you had given up all your dreams for the other person.

Last night while Rory and I lay in each other’s arms looking into each other’s eyes after having the biggest conversation we have had in months we realized why we keep choosing each other.

We have been together since I was 24 and Rory was 20. It’s our 10 year wedding anniversary next year and it will be 14 years in relationship with each other then.

That’s not a short amount of time.

We could have chosen not to be together many times throughout that period.

And there may be many more times ahead where we question if this relationship is what we really want.

However, we choose to take each day as it comes. Living in the now moment. Choosing each other every new day.

There isn’t a single thing we haven’t experienced together.

It makes us laugh in the moments where we truly connect with each other that we even consider not being together at times.

Because we know what we have is special.

We have our independence within our relationship.

We have our freedom within our relationship.

We have a relationship without I owe you’s and gender roles. Sometimes I cook and sometimes he does. Sometimes I clean and sometimes he does. And sometimes we do nothing apart and sometimes we do nothing together.

If anyone were to ask me some relationship advice it would be – speak it. Whatever it is you are feeling or experiencing speak into it. Learn how to listen to each other and have no attachment.

We have no attachment to being together, or how long or if it’s forever. That is the biggest change that has happened for us. When we let go of that attachment to how it is supposed to look, be or feel, our egos let go and our hearts opened back up.

Relationships aren’t how they are projected in the movies. They take work. Some days more work than you feel it’s worth. Then there are the days where you are so wrapped up in each other you couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.

Those are the moments we get to remind ourselves of in the moments where we have broken up in our minds 100 times and tried to figure out what we will do with our assets haha

People can change and learn and grow. If they want to. Don’t stay because you want them to change. Stay because you want to be there and if they want to traverse the path of growth with you then they can choose to.

Rory and I have a wedding dvd and that has been one of our best investments as we get to watch it and remind ourselves of why we chose each other. And feel the emotions of the day over and over again. There is no shame in needing a reminder sometimes.

Xo S