By This week I ended a friendship that I once considered my most safe and stable outside of my marriage. We didn’t need to speak all the time and I never questioned it.
And yet it was the most easy ending I have ever had to decide on.
Watching them throw barbs intended to hurt because they felt hurt because they don’t want to see any other truth yet accuse me of it. I guess that’s what is called projection in the spiritual world.
The barbs I could have thrown back but I chose not to.
Instead of saying Ok if that’s how you feel let’s end it here they chose to make statements and say to me that they don’t feel they can morally be friends with someone because they didn’t force someone to go to the police about their assault which is where it became clear that they are not for me. And as they were always a person who preached autonomy of their body it blows my mind even more that they could make a statement such as this.
Instead of just accepting the connection was complete they chose to go into attack mode. That would be those pesky abandonment issues rearing their head that make us bite instead of take a breath.
And a perfect example of emotional intelligence right? Because most people haven’t built the capacity to be seen in their ‘wrongs’ so instead choose to try cause pain for the other person so that every one hurts.
This friend chose to make statements completely opposite to the things they had said in previous conversations. Totally opposite to the support they had shown – which has left me wondering how many other things they had not been honest about in the past.
And honesty is a pretty big value of mine when it comes to friendship and relationships.
The idea that I would FORCE someone to relive what is probably one of their most horrible experiences is so absolutely disgusting to me.
That idea to me is no better than being the perpetrator.
And also on a side note: I hope they are using that moral high ground for all their friendships because there are a lot of women who haven’t been to the police about their assaults…
In my ‘passivity’ as they called it – The person did not get away with it. The entire family knows what he did. Hence the social media outlet. When you have family around the world it’s the quickest and most public way to get information out. It’s what it was built for really. Other people felt heard because of what I shared. That’s worth more than sending someone I love and care for into a potential spiral because they have to be torn apart on a stand to defend themselves. Especially if they aren’t ready and it’s not of their choosing. Not to mention this could in turn force others to relive their own without it being their choice.
I question who thinks that is ok?
It seems I held onto the friendship for far too long.
Using my ability to understand people and forgive when they did things like say I was jealous of their life and send me a 7 min voice note attacking me in detail because I understood they were feeling yuck in themselves at the time and needed someone to throw it at.
I can say, to use their own measurements, that morally I can’t be friends with someone who says something like “If you want to cheat on your husband while we are at this festival that’s ok with me I won’t say anything.”
I guess maybe I held on because I didn’t know how it would look to be in our circles of friendship and not have the love that we once seemed like we shared.
But life is changing.
And all change begins with some kind of confrontation. Whether it’s healthy or not it still begins there.
Now, all the things I let slide are coming to the forefront as they do when you stop seeing someone through the eyes of love you once did.
Sometimes people do shit things and sometimes they have shit things done to them but that doesn’t give anyone a right to use their trauma as an excuse for behaving like a shit human. It is on the individual to get the help they need instead of using it as an avoidance of their actions.
I’ve sat by and watched the sparkle leave this persons eyes and witness them become barely half of the happy, fun loving person, without drugs and alcohol they once were.
Being a person who has always been honest with them. As I am in my friendships. It’s usually the thing that people either love and keep me around for or they end the friendship because it’s too much.
Hubby and I both hold this closely. People either reach out because they want the honesty when they are ready or actively avoid us because they know we will give them what they need to hear instead of what they want.
Even the fact they tried going through my husband by messaging him blows my mind and only confirmed the person they actually are now.
And it’s not the person they used to be. And I definitely do not choose to have a person like that in my life.
Although now I’m questioning if they ever were that person… Because that’s what happens right? Take away the rose coloured glasses and what are you left with? Many questions…
So today I sit here feeling lighter because I’ve let a weight go that I didn’t even realise I was holding. I’ve never felt more peaceful to have let go.
And while there were many moments that I feel were filled with love and laughter and I won’t disrespect my life by making out like we didn’t have them – I know those moments are so far gone now.
So if you need a sign to let go maybe this is it for you.
Maybe that friendship or relationship isn’t what it used to be. Maybe it isn’t a healthy one that’s propelling you forward. Maybe it’s actually holding you back?
Maybe the reason, season or lifetime part is actually over and you just haven’t let yourself feel it yet?
Maybe holding on is actually you settling? Maybe it’s you not fully realising your worth?
Maybe your rose coloured glasses are working overtime?
Now imagine who might walk through the door if you let go?
And on a final note: Everybody has an asshole streak. The only difference is whether or not they’re honest enough to let you see it. And those who aren’t? Those are the ones you need to watch out for.
Xo S
Shannii Maree - Strong Without Realising 