With the amount of death in my life recently, and it seems others as well, I have noticed myself retracting.
I mean it seems every time I log onto Facebook these days there is a new death being announced. And most of them dying by suicide.
For some reason all the death has bought up the fear of abandonment and with that my old ways of “if I leave first then they can’t leave me and I will only be able to blame myself”
Silly I know.
And it has me thinking that this is why people get stuck on processing the ancestral stuff, the generational stuff, the stuff that isn’t theirs.
Because when that’s done you truly have to look at yourself, and only yourself.
If you feel or experience something you can’t palm it off and say that’s not mine.
When you know you are done with the ancestral stuff you can’t say I am doing this for them anymore.
There is no ‘blame’ anywhere else.
And there is no significance received for feeling like you are helping others.
While it’s not bypassing, it actually kind of can be.
I’ve seen it numerous times where people are caught up in the idea that what they are feeling means something from their lineage.
And yes it can be. And has been for me many times.
But now I’m in a space of knowing that’s done I find myself asking but is it?
Knowing that I often say to people that when we attach to a story of I healed this or that was this, it can cause pain in the future if it rears again because you thought you had ‘healed’ that.
The idea of doing things purely for me when it arises actually feels kind of scary. Yet liberating.
And also, it feels privileged. Like do I really get to say I’m done with the ancestral stuff for my dna and lineage?
It took a lot of courage to experience what I experienced over the years of trauma processing and releasing. But was I attached to those loops?
Are the people still processing after decades of work actually somatically processing or are they just attached to the experience and feelings and worth that it seems to provide?
Have I processed enough that these shifts in the earths energy won’t be strong enough to pull me into that same darkness that almost took me over in the past?
Is this why I’ve done all I have so that now when I am doing whatever I’m doing purely for me I do have the immense strength I’ve gained, just for me?
I had no idea coming to this stage of my life journey would bring up so many mixed emotions for me to feel.
And all at once it has been getting a bit crazy in my head and heart.
What an interesting ride I’ve jumped onto this year!