I’ve just now realized that the whole 9 months mum spent carrying me were probably spent numb and not wanting to connect just in case the same thing happened again.
You see, my mum experienced 9 stillbirths and miscarriages before she had me.
She had to grieve that many babies before I arrived.
Everything the mother experiences during pregnancy, so does her child.
That is how we are born with trauma already in our tiny little bodies.
Throw on top of this my mum leaving my dad and then him not being there for us besides a phone call 4 times a year on our birthdays and Christmas and you have a great recipe for abandonment wounds, and that’s just the surface stuff.
This realization of mums feelings during pregnancy have been a big holy shit moment in my life.
It also explains (IMHO) why my mum has such a beautiful bond with my younger brother because by the time she had him she had already given birth to two babies so that pregnancy would have been a lot more filled with love and excitement and a lot less worry.
I don’t share these things as if I’m blaming my parents either or wanting them to apologize.
I have never, and will never, have a victim mindset.
I share them as I gain awareness to the moments throughout my life that shape me and grow me.
It’s not an “I blame them and they are horrible and should have done better moment.”
I love my parents and the gift of life they gave me.
It’s simply an inner look into my world and the reasons I feel a certain type of way or behave in a certain type of way.
It’s why I have so much compassion for people and where they are at, even if they hurt me, because I get it.
I always choose self responsibility because that gives me my power.
I have no desire to sit here saying if they did a better job I would be better, because I don’t believe that one little bit.
I shine light onto things a lot of people wish I would shut up about.
But I won’t.
If it makes you uncomfortable, good! Because out of that uncomfortability comes growth, and the potential for change, if you choose.
And if you choose to sit back and say they made me this way and it’s their fault then that’s your choice too.
But what’s on the other side of not choosing that is way more exciting in my opinion.
Choice is always ours.
And I know what I choose.