Feel it all

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I have awoken feeling vulnerable and tender.

Last night I released something during a beautiful cacao and conscious clubbing celebration.

My entire body felt it and feels tender today and I honour that.

And also

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said

“I just fucking love my life so much”

To either myself or to someone else this year.

And it feels so good!

My hubby likes saying I told you this day would come.

In the depths of my depression he would say one day you will wake up and wonder how you felt the way you did and wonder why you didn’t believe that the happiness could be yours.

I no longer hold desperately onto the happy days wondering when the bad days will return.

That was how I used to live. Never fully being in the happiness because I was so afraid of when I would lose it.

Worriedly clinging to every moment as if it would be my last and tomorrow I would wake up and not want to be alive anymore again.

I remember when my psychologist told me my depression was cyclical but I could learn to work with it.

I thought I was going to be depressed for the rest of my life.

But I no longer look at the waves that may come as me being depressed, or think a sad day is going to turn into a year of depression.

I know that on the other side of those waves I am an upgraded human being having a human life.

And I fucking love it!

I invite all the emotions through me and relish in them and get to feel the absolute joy of knowing that I am not numbing out or ignoring or pretending anymore.

It is totally possible.

I never thought being on the other side of being suicidal could feel this good, and safe, and fun.

It’s been a 20 year journey to get to where I am now.

And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So today I honour these tender feelings.

Because we get to be it all. I’m experiencing tender feelings, not depression, and I have so many tools under my belt now that help me with these moments.

So remember it’s ok to feel. We get to experience the full spectrum of being human in every moment.

Love yourself through it all. You are whole, loved and magnificent as the exact human you are right now ❤️

Xo S

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