5 days supporting a life changing retreat.
My son-in-laws 21st.
Then one of my sisters 40th birthday weekend.
All people I love. All things I love doing.
And also here I find myself desiring to be alone more than I have in a long time.
Feeling like I need to be everywhere and yet belong nowhere.
Forgetting for a moment that desiring to be alone doesn’t mean I am a bad person or that I don’t have love for people or what I do.
Forgetting that being alone recharges my soul more than anything else in this world and if I don’t have that alone time I end up a mess.
A mess who then judges herself for being a mess as if me wanting to be alone means I must not love those around me enough.
A mess who feels guilty if I do cancel plans because I want to be alone.
The stories still creeping in that I shouldn’t want or need to be alone if I’m surrounded by amazing humans.
Also ignoring my body and it’s needs by socializing heavily during my moon time – a period where I normally go inwards and spend time mainly with myself, for myself.
“Lone wolf stage is over. No more doing things alone.”
Except for as long as I can remember I have loved doing things alone.
Maybe some of that was a safety mechanism or trauma response of “if I do it alone no one can hurt me” but these days it’s a conscious choice of desiring to be in my own company because I recharge there.
I am a better, nicer, more fun, human when I’ve refilled in the ways I find nurturing for me.
I can’t be everything for everyone. If I try I end up despising myself.
I woke up this morning with a vision of wanting to be alone on a mountaintop. Past lives revisiting me in this current day. In past life regressions I’ve experienced I always died alone.
So am I destined to relive those lives? Were those lives lived alone and are they trying to creep into this life? These are just some of the questions that arise due to my desire to be alone.
The world tells me it’s not ok to be alone or do things alone.
So I try not to be alone.
But that’s what my heart yearns for.
Silence and solitude.
And yet my heart also yearns for love and laughter and hugs too.
Sometimes I forget it’s ok to want it all and yet want nothing at the same time.
The polarity of life always playing around me.
The deeper I go into myself the deeper I desire the real, the tangible, the aching, the magic.
I tell everyone we get to be all of ourselves while at the same time sometimes feeling like I’m not all of me because I want to be alone while in a room of humans I love.
Knowing well they don’t judge me for needing to exit to be alone I still judge myself.
It’s not that people drain me, it’s purely if I don’t do the things for me that I love then being constantly surrounded by people means they don’t receive the best of me.
I drain me because I don’t refill me when I know it’s what I need.
Yet another layer for me to unravel.
Or do I really need to?
Isn’t realising it’s ok to desire to be alone the lesson itself?
Do I need to fight my conditioning and reach out because I feel shit or am I feeling shit because I ignored my own needs?
Perhaps there is a still a level of people pleasing within me that I didn’t know of? Or maybe it’s just FOMO and not wanting to miss out on anything?
Not realizing by deciding I don’t want to miss out on ‘the stuff’ I miss out on the connection to myself that I’ve cultivated over the years.
I am my own best friend. I am safe and comfortable in my own company. I do feel better after much needed time alone.
So how could that be a bad thing?