Inside a suicidal mind

Every day I keep living

Even though every day I want to die

Nobody knows that every day I imagine my own death

The peace that I might finally experience

Every day I want that peace

And every day I think of the pain that I will instill in my loved ones if I die

Yet every day that thought is still there

The little death threads pulling at me to give in

I don’t know how much longer I can keep holding on

But every day I try

Every day I smile so that others might remember that smile

Even though I’m not always smiling inside

Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not

Sometimes I can’t hold back the pain within me and I lash out

Then I remember that no one knows what is within me

So I put it away again and keep smiling

It’s getting harder to keep this going though

People tell me how strong I am and I laugh

Im not strong, if I were strong I would want to be here to fight the good fight

To be part of the world changes happening

I wouldn’t want to leave

…But I do

I want to go home

Home to the stars

Nobody needs me here

Nobody misses me if I disappear so why would they miss me if I’m actually gone?

At least then my soul might be happy

Instead of feeling like it’s in hell

That’s not what life is supposed to be

It’s supposed to be heaven on earth here but it’s not

Whoever said that lied to everyone

Heaven is in the stars

That’s my home

That’s where I want to be

Not here

Not in this cesspool

Yes there are the good bits but I don’t know if those good bits are enough to keep me here anymore

I will miss out on so much if I go

But if I’m just staying as an empty shell then would I really be missing out?

And would those I care about really be missing out on me if the me they see is just an empty shell?

Im trying to be real

But I don’t even know what real is anymore

3D, 5D where are we living? Who is speaking truth?

Who actually gets it?

What if my soul has actually fulfilled its purpose now?

What if part of my purpose is to leave now?

What if what if what if.

That’s all I ask

I want to leave but I keep staying

Because of the what if’s.

“Just talk about it” everyone says

But why? What does talking about it achieve?

People will always say they love you and they care.

People have their own lives to live.

So what’s the point of burdening someone else with my dreams of death? The longing that I feel for that moment in time.

Just take me now

Why can’t the decision be made for me

Instead of leaving me here to think of it daily and not proceed?

Maybe all that has kept me here is the desire to not be hated for leaving?

Everyone just wants to be loved right?

Not hated. Maybe when that desire becomes less I will leave?

Maybe I deserve to be left here living in pain every day?

Maybe I’m never meant to forgive others or myself and I’m just meant to be tormented forever?

Maybe I don’t deserve the peace of death?

That must be it.

Why would I deserve to have that gift?

Xo S