Every day I keep living
Even though every day I want to die
Nobody knows that every day I imagine my own death
The peace that I might finally experience
Every day I want that peace
And every day I think of the pain that I will instill in my loved ones if I die
Yet every day that thought is still there
The little death threads pulling at me to give in
I don’t know how much longer I can keep holding on
But every day I try
Every day I smile so that others might remember that smile
Even though I’m not always smiling inside
Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not
Sometimes I can’t hold back the pain within me and I lash out
Then I remember that no one knows what is within me
So I put it away again and keep smiling
It’s getting harder to keep this going though
People tell me how strong I am and I laugh
Im not strong, if I were strong I would want to be here to fight the good fight
To be part of the world changes happening
I wouldn’t want to leave
…But I do
I want to go home
Home to the stars
Nobody needs me here
Nobody misses me if I disappear so why would they miss me if I’m actually gone?
At least then my soul might be happy
Instead of feeling like it’s in hell
That’s not what life is supposed to be
It’s supposed to be heaven on earth here but it’s not
Whoever said that lied to everyone
Heaven is in the stars
That’s my home
That’s where I want to be
Not in this cesspool
Yes there are the good bits but I don’t know if those good bits are enough to keep me here anymore
I will miss out on so much if I go
But if I’m just staying as an empty shell then would I really be missing out?
And would those I care about really be missing out on me if the me they see is just an empty shell?
Im trying to be real
But I don’t even know what real is anymore
3D, 5D where are we living? Who is speaking truth?
Who actually gets it?
What if my soul has actually fulfilled its purpose now?
What if part of my purpose is to leave now?
What if what if what if.
That’s all I ask
I want to leave but I keep staying
Because of the what if’s.
“Just talk about it” everyone says
But why? What does talking about it achieve?
People will always say they love you and they care.
People have their own lives to live.
So what’s the point of burdening someone else with my dreams of death? The longing that I feel for that moment in time.
Just take me now
Why can’t the decision be made for me
Instead of leaving me here to think of it daily and not proceed?
Maybe all that has kept me here is the desire to not be hated for leaving?
Everyone just wants to be loved right?
Not hated. Maybe when that desire becomes less I will leave?
Maybe I deserve to be left here living in pain every day?
Maybe I’m never meant to forgive others or myself and I’m just meant to be tormented forever?
Maybe I don’t deserve the peace of death?
That must be it.
Why would I deserve to have that gift?