The first man who raped me joked about it with friends.
The second man who raped me attended the nightclub I was a regular at.
And I said nothing.
My body felt it, my body wanted to scream, but I didn’t say a word.
I stayed in those peoples vicinity.
I thought if I said anything I would be blamed.
After all, I had let it happen, hadn’t I?
For years that was the belief I held.
And it wasn’t till I started learning about emotions and how they store within the body that I realized how much damage had continued to be done to my human because of this belief.
I had pancreatic cancer at 25. Do you know what causes cancer?
I’ll tell you…
Feeling limited, angry, fearful, out of control. Carrying wounds from the past. Not feeling good enough, shrinking inside and attacking yourself from within. Feeling like guilt, grief, and uncertainty are eating away at your body. On guard, never able to relax and let go. Often pushing yourself to do more than you can handle. Trying to please others and constantly seeking approval.
And pancreas is the inability to savor the sweetness in life. Feeling under nurtured. Experiencing over concern, hopelessness, helplessness, and lack of control. Easily affected by others. Low self esteem, feelings of bitterness, confusion, unfairness and unjustness.
Only 5% of people diagnosed with this survive.
I knew exactly why I had grown cancer within my body.
The cancer was the manifestation of all the scared feelings, the hate feelings, for not only the people who hurt me but for myself for allowing it to happen.
That may trigger some people.
I didn’t have a voice back then.
I still shake and my heart beats fast when I use my voice now.
I do have a voice now though.
And I will use it to shout from the rooftops that no one ever asks to be raped.
No one ever picks something out of their wardrobe thinking yep this is the one I’ll be assaulted in tonight.
No one walks down the street wishing for that to happen.
And because I didn’t have the courage to stand up and say what happened to me those years ago I will always stand with anyone who does take that step.
Because I know it’s a step fraught with judgments. Where you are told not to look pretty when you go to court because you can be blamed for what happened to you if you do.
Even if it happened to you as a child!
Your underwear can literally be used as a defense to say you were asking for it!
There is nothing you can say to me that will ever have me believe that my rapes were my fault.
I can only desire for every woman (and man) to be at this place themselves. If not now, then soon.
And I desire for the system to stop using thing such as attractiveness or what you are wearing as defense for a man who couldn’t control his own urges.
If you would like to read about my cancer journey you can find that here.