Sometimes I question if there is something wrong with me.
I witness other peoples actions and wonder why I can’t do the same.
I literally don’t know how to.
I can’t say things if they aren’t true for me.
I can’t feel things that I don’t feel.
I can’t unsee what I can see.
My heart is delicate and I don’t know any other way than to be protective of her.
But also, not in a closed off don’t let anybody in to love me way.
Many lessons over many years I have received.
And my most favourite one has been that I don’t need to be anyone other than me.
And yet I also find myself realising I don’t relate to people because they aren’t at that space in their journey.
And when I have those realizations then occasionally I wonder if there is something missing with me.
It’s why I can’t just write something to gain a client. I can’t just say something because I know someone will read it and want to buy something. And I can’t just be nice to someone because they want to buy from me.
I can get along with anyone. Yes. But I cannot pretend to be more interested in someone or something than I actually am.
Maybe this loses me people in my life, maybe it also gains me people because some people want to know that what they see is what they get.
And it is when it comes to me.
I’ve spent years practicing witnessing myself in the mirror.
I’ve spent years noticing where I was untruthful with myself, let alone others.
I’ve spent years of judgements on myself and others.
So much so, that I don’t have the energy for it anymore.
Im solid. Im not flaky. When I commit I commit.
It’s who I am.
It’s what I do.
And even in that, I have days of questioning myself.
So know that even if you think yes I’m good now, I’m solid and nothing will ever get me down, know that sometimes it might, and that’s ok.
If you have learnt the tools to get you to where you are now, you can make use of those tools to get past this momentary lapse in your confidence.
Don’t make it mean anything about you other than you are riding the wave right now. And another wave always comes.
Have courage to leave the shore. You won’t regret it.