Teen thoughts could have ruined my life

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I’ll never forget the day, as a 15 year old, that I told my family I hated them and I wanted to get a gun and shoot them all.

I wanted to die and I wanted to take everyone with me.

Carrying remnants of a war between families that dated back to the early settlers in my dna.

I had been raped and no one knew.

I wanted to leave NZ and live with my dad and he had said no.

My grandad had held me under a cold shower while strangling me because I said I didn’t want to have one.

I was hurting.

And no one knew why.

And so I lashed out.

I’ve often said I’m grateful that guns aren’t easily accessed for me.

Because I probably would have been dead long ago.

I like to think I would not have followed through on my hateful statement I made as a teenager if they had been.

Yet I’ll never know the extent my hurt could have taken me.

And so while I feel angry for those taken by mass shootings in America; And this is not to take away from any of it, I know there is a large problem at play that is the root cause of it all.

Because I feel the darkest shadows of my mind as a teenager could have led me down that path if I let it.

And that scares me to admit.

Everyone looks at me and says I have so much Love.

And I do. Now. But I haven’t always.

This has been part of my shadow work I’ve had to acknowledge over the years.

And it is one of the things that bought about my favourite saying that I always live by:

Own your shadows so they can’t own you.

I am not that hate filled person I was as a teen. Thank god. I could never imagine spouting a statement like the one I did towards any human being.

And no hurt people don’t hurt people. Im tired of people spouting that saying.

Hurt people who don’t have access to help and love and support and the mental capacity to choose differently, hurt people.

In my opinion – It all boils down to the 6 human needs – if we don’t have these fulfilled (love and connection, certainty, uncertainty, significance, growth and contribution) in differing ways due to all humans operating differently, then our shadows can come to play full out.

So my solution in the world is more love, not less.

Feel our anger, 100%, for as long as needed.

Although studies show emotions in the body only last for a short period and after that you are choosing to carry it on.

And remember the difference small things can make in someone’s life.

You never know what that acknowledgment of a stranger in public could do for the trajectory of their lives.

Notice the judgements, notice where in yourself you can feel that judgement, and know that no human being is ever going to get it all perfect.

When you have your own solid boundaries and a toolkit to help you in your life, you begin to make better choices.

And not everyone has those things in place.

Xo S

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