Normally I let myself out
Piece by piece
Afraid if I let them see all of me
They will leave
All of me is harder to love
Than pieces of me
At least that’s what I used to tell myself
This part is not loveable
No one could ever love that part
That part makes me a horrible human so that definitely can’t be loved
Who do I think I am?
Wanting to be loved, wanting to be seen.
Then slowly, and then in full force
People started appearing
And I dropped my masks
I let them in
I let them see all of me
The parts that have been hidden in the deepest depths of my soul
There is nothing they don’t know
They love me
All the stories I had written
Were lies I made up to protect myself
Yet I’ve come to realize
Instead of protecting myself
I was building walls that kept people out
Not only the people that could hurt me but the people who could love me too
Because in my head I thought I wasn’t loveable.
Because I didn’t love me.
It was a war within myself and made myself wrong and unloveable because of the stories I wrote.
What a joke.
I looked at people like they were liars if they expressed love to me.
How could I believe they loved me when I didn’t love me?
Then I pushed them away when they got close because that meant they could hurt me.
Yet I was hurting myself in the process.
“See I was right” I would say. “They didn’t care enough to fight for me.”
I was setting it up to prove that people didn’t and couldn’t love me.
While ignoring everything that showed they did.
Now I know
Without a doubt
The people who don’t love you for who you are
Were never your people anyway
I’ll never be something I’m not or try to be something I’m not ever again.
No one gets to tell me how to feel
I know it in my bones
I feel what is right
I am me.