It’s been a while since I’ve felt this feeling

This has probably been the closest I’ve been to depression in so long I can’t even put a time on it.

This year has been a big year.

And I never imagined losing my dog would be the straw that breaks my back. 

The moment that forces me to slow down and stop.

The piece that says you have the tools now are you using them?

And again, it makes me wonder how on earth I lived my life in this state for most of it since I was a teenager.

The pretending doesn’t work anymore because I’m aware, so freaking self aware, that it sucks.

The keep myself busy doesn’t work anymore because my brain and body know they are  allowed to feel now so they just say ok, this is what you are doing but when you stop being busy we will still be here.

I’m doing all the things, eating well, training for health, journaling and being loved and supported by my hubby as always, and yet, there is this apathy that threatens me.

I do the things that make me happy like dance and laugh with friends but there are the quiet moments where there is just nothing.

Yet I know better than to judge. And I have this faith in myself that I will never be who I once was. Because feeling this way doesn’t relate to who I am now. 

It’s just one of those blips. Those blinks. 

And I asked for it right? I chose peace as my word for this year so I’m getting everything that isn’t peace as always. It seems the whole world is actually so I know I’m not alone. 

Yet I have found sooooo many moments of peace throughout this year too. Those moments are the ones that keep me going. Remind me of what’s possible. 

I am grateful for the life I live and the space I have, to be able to witness and heal and allow and be exactly who I am in any given moment. 

Grief is not just about losing those you love it’s about losing aspects of yourself as time moves on too. Knowing that you are also gaining yourself in ways you have no idea are possible. 

Allowance is the key. You are allowed to feel the sadness. Anger. Grief. Apathy. Happiness. Irritation. Heartbreak. Joy. Sorrow. Wonder. PEACE. 

Xo S