The Bear or the Man?

If you haven’t seen – there has been a social experiment going around online asking if you would rather be alone in the woods with a bear or a man, showing women saying they would feel safer with the bear than a man.

There was a time where I would have chosen the bear too.

There was a time when I thought there were no safe men.

There was a time when my nervous system was so permanently on and overly aware that nothing anyone could do would ever give me a fright because I was prepared for everything.

There was a time where I never said no, and therefore kept the story in my head going that there was only one thing men wanted from me.

There was a time I would never let a man do something for me, as small as hold a door open, because I didn’t want to owe a man anything.

My view has changed now.

Even with my recent experience in Mancora of having men try to touch me and kiss me I still feel the same. Those men were only a few. Do you know how many more I interacted with or walked past that never did anything of the sort?

I refuse to let what has happened to me in the past, or what could MAYBE happen in the future, taint my future. I refuse to let those men ruin every possible moment that might be beautiful because I think the man could be a rapist or a killer.

I refuse to let those men/boys stop me from living.

I’ve stood in a room with over 100 men and women completely naked and shared my biggest guilt and shame. I’ve been to ecstatic dance nights and taken off my clothes and guess what no man made comments or stared or made me feel uncomfortable.

So no I wouldn’t choose the bear over the man. And in fact I wouldn’t choose a woman over a man either like some are also comparing.

I’ve seen women say that men are assuming the bear will attack or they have been on walks with bears and haven’t been attacked – I invite them to self reflect that they are saying the same thing; that they are assuming men will attack. If they are honest with themselves they would be able to see that they too have been on many walks where men have not attacked.

I’ve seen men’s protective instincts in action. And I choose to believe that is within most men.

Maybe I’m just blessed with good men in my life. Now anyway.

Maybe I’ve just been blessed with not only a man who was willing and ready to admit where he may have stuffed up in being with a woman who was traumatized but who is willing to listen and be a voice for me when I couldn’t be too.

His first question when I was raped (which wasnt the first time it had happened either if you haven’t been following me for a while) wasn’t what I was wearing – it was who the fuck was he and why is he still breathing.

I dealt with that experience faster than he did he says.

He has held space for countless women in events who have needed to unleash their rage against men who assaulted them in some form. He has restored numerous women’s faith that there are good men out there.

I wouldn’t be able to travel the world alone and have the experiences I do if I believed all men were going to hurt me in some way. Maybe that’s because I know the chances of some random taking me from the street compared to it being someone I know is low.

And I’m the one who posted a video to my rapists saying thank you I love you. (Video can be found on my Instagram) Because to be honest I wouldn’t have the amazing strength that I do and the depth of love that I do if it wasn’t for me growing through all of that. I’ve truly known the depth of it all.

And I still choose the man.

Does that take away from the men who do hurt women? No it doesn’t. Those men deserve to reap the consequences. If they are ever caught. Which I know is what part of the problem is and why people are saying they choose the bear because at least they will be believed.

But guess what? I’ve seen men need video proof to show they didn’t punch a woman claiming DV where the video in fact shows her laying into him. I’ve known numerous women to lie about DV. And yet women get angry if you say that because it’s only men that need to be held accountable. It’s always a woman snapping if she is hitting her partner but it could never be a man snapping after being layed into and not hitting back constantly right?

I think it’s both who need to be held accountable. Everyone needs to be held responsible for their own actions.

I hope one day, if you reading this chooses the bear, that you may be blessed to feel the beauty of what men can be in your life and what it feels like to have your needs heard and met by a man or men in general.

I don’t choose the bear and I am seeing more women being unafraid to say the same even though it seems to be an unpopular opinion right now.

Edited to add: I would like to invite all the women who would choose the bear to conduct an experiment for themselves. For one day while out and about in the world take a tally of EVERY single man that you see. Every one who drives past in a car. Every one who walks past. Every single interaction or non interaction. If you see a man add a notch to the tally. At the end of the day see how many men you have actually had in your sphere. And tally up those who cat called or stared or touched you inappropriately of course as well. EVERY SINGLE ACTION NO MATTER IF IT WAS A WALKING PAST YOU AND DIDNT EVEN LOOK. And see who outweighs who. Because maybe, just maybe, your brain needs training from your trauma that you are safer than you realise or think you are.

Xo S