I have been trying to figure out why this feeling as a Glamma is so different to any other feeling I’ve ever felt.
This Aroha truly is a love like no other.
There have been moments of tears where I have had no idea what I was feeling, yet coming to realise that it’s because I’m feeling all the things about the times I thought I was a shitty parent, I actually wasn’t.
Witnessing my son be a dad has bought up questions of whether I did a ‘good enough’ job as a parent to give him the inner knowing of how to be a parent.
I know I wasn’t a perfect parent. None of us ever are.
But this witnessing that I’m experiencing right now is beyond words.
And I am learning so much.
The only thing I can put it down to is that I created my son and now he has created his daughter. It’s a legacy that I never thought I would be here to see.
All those years of depression where I didn’t think I could survive another day. Where I tried not to survive another day.
Another reminder of what I could have missed out on.
A reminder of what some people do miss out on.
It breaks my heart to think those thoughts and heals it at the same time.
I am here.
There is so much truth in grandparent love being like no other Aroha you will ever feel.
My cancerian desire for whānau and connection was something I always thought no that’s a lie. I thought I could easily give up my whānau to be on my own.
But all these feelings I’m feeling have had me realise that I was never that person. That’s why I never left. Even if I spoke about it. Even if I attempted it.
It was my depression speaking all those years where I thought I was good yet said I could just up and leave. You would think I would have known…
Breaking yet more generational trauma within my cells for my future generations.
A settling in my DNA of who I actually am.
And I thank those who stood by me and never judged me when I would speak such statements.
My tamariki may have received the best and worst of me.
Yet witnessing my son I know we definitely got something right.
His fatherhood initiation has come with ease.
I’ve said many times in my witnessing how beautiful it is to see him take each moment in his stride and asked him if it feels as easy as he is making it look.
His response – yes and no.
His calming nature, which I knew would be a benefit to his parenting, has shone so brightly.
And to think, there were some people who thought that my sons partner deserved better than him. Yet here he is being a father that would put many other fathers to shame.
And while it may only be early days, I know the tribe of support him and Lily have around them will mean they never need to feel as though they have failed or not been good enough.
I could easily be the glamma who wants to hold baby all the time and tell them what to do and how to do it.
But I know better. And it’s teaching me so much about who I am and things I didn’t realise were there.
They don’t need me to tell them. They are using their intuition right now. And I honour that. And if they ask then I’ll share.
Although I’m not gonna lie and say it’s easy to not have constant cuddles 🤣 but she is getting constant cuddles from her mum and dad so there is no worry that she isn’t feeling their love. And I love when I get to cuddle her for hours too. As long as I have my daily cuddle I’m a happy lady haha enjoying and basking in having them around before they head back to their home.
I always ask before holding her. Because to me that is just respect for the parent. I’ve always done that my whole life.
Whether I’m Glamma or not it doesn’t automatically give me rights to do as I please or do something mum and dad don’t want me to do.
And I believe it builds their confidence as parents too. To be able to say no if they want to. To be able to stand up for themselves when they need to. To be able to stand up for my moko if needed.
I know how much judgment will come their way simply for being young parents. I’ve been there.
And it’s from that place that I remember what it’s like and the questioning of what I’m doing and if I’m doing it right.
And let’s be honest all parents feel that way no matter their age.
So this next phase of life Im currently in is giving me so many gifts that I can’t even describe yet. And I don’t know if I will ever be able to.
But I know all the healing work I’ve done is bearing fruits on the tree now.
And this tree is only going to grow taller and get stronger.