Memories and where my journey began

Its hard not to read the word Memories without thinking of the song Memory from the Cats musical, but that’s a different story all together haha

Have you ever questioned whether you were safe during your life? So many people question what is normal and wonder if it even exists. Everyone lives differently so what is normal for one certainly wont be for another.

What I do know about myself is that some of the things I have experienced definitely should never be normal for anyone, ever.

Do you have memories from when you were younger? Say early childhood memories from when you were 2,3,4 or 5? I always thought it was normal to not have any memories of that period of my life. That was until I started hearing from more and more people that they do remember some things from those years. So if they do then why don’t I?

Is it because my dad was an alcoholic, a violent alcoholic, and I saw things that my young brain decided I shouldn’t remember and so blocked it out, along with all memories? 

The earliest memory I had, besides a random one of walking home with a friend when we were 5 and getting in trouble by my mum, is going back to our house weeks after my mum and dad had split up and the grass was taller than me and my Grandad was mowing it. Before that its blackness, an empty hole. I see pictures of my life before that but I have no memories to go with those pictures.

It wasn’t until my late teenage years that I learnt that our brains quite often black out extremely traumatic events in our lives. But why then, are there so many people living in depression with traumatic memories that haven’t been blacked out?

The most interesting part of this story is that I am now in my 30s, and I have done a lot of sessions with counsellors, psychologists and different healers, and the older I get the more I find random memories popping into my head space. Is this because as an adult I have been working through my experiences to finally let go of whats holding me back and now things are being released that I thought were gone forever?

I cannot honestly say I know why anything happens but the one thing I do know is that when we hold onto something that has hurt us in the past, it will continue to hurt us.

xo S